Today I spent an exhausting 90 minutes in Zara trying on Christmas party dresses to display to you in an upcoming post. However, a more pressing matter quickly caught my attention - the anger and insanity that is their t-shirt range for pregnant women.
Now, I love Zara. Its half translated logo t-shirts with their long length and good quality cotton are a godsend for the style conscious nerd. They are also exceptionally generous in the gluteal area with their trouser tailoring and quick to rip-off the best Miu Miu and Balenciaga when it counts. All good things. However, it is clear that their maternity design team is a mad as a bucket of frogs.
The Many Moods of Pregnancy - (according to Zara)
1. Insecurity (re: erotic viability)
"I'm not fat !! I'm eating for two" Hey, me too Zara - and I ain't even with child. The desperation distilled within those two velvet exclamation marks is quite a thing to behold i'nit? I also enjoy the way the cotton mix clings to my own protuberances. You've gotta applaud their commitment to the verisimilitude of a woman's emotional state. They ain't pulling no punches. I know I've always said that pregnancy is no excuse to pile on any pounds at all. Those lactating LARDOS.
2. Pathetic Clinginess.
"STAY WITH ME" - Yup, it's clear that the impregnator in her life has noticed her horrendous physical deficiencies and has calmly decided to move on. Thank goodness Zara has produced a garment that does all your pathetic hormonal mewling for you! Eyes that have seen more sadness than any one person can bear are model's own.
3. Irrational grasping at chic femininity as typified by former single self.
"Kill for high heels" - I'm not sure if this is a nostalgic moment or an exhortation to all women unshackled by a bloating foetus to buy buy buy those Jimmy Choos whilst they still can and revel in the bunions of independence. Either way, it is as delightfully unhinged as any other in the range and I'm so very digging the Valerie Solanis fanzine style typeface.
4. Homicidal Food/Sexual Cravings.
"I'VE GOT A CRAVING (now!!!) - Yikes, right? Quite apart from the fact I don't think I've ever looked lovelier in a photograph, this t-shirt reunites with our old friend the crazed multiple exclamation mark. As if to underscore the horror (the horror!) of a pregnant lady in a state of need we've got a font that speaks of nothing less than Jack Nicolson at his crazytime typewriter in "The Shining"
Yeesh. And it was the crazy identical twins that were the fashion icons in that movie. Pre-chopping of course.
Am I right or am I right?