Becky's Fashion Fieldtrip - Part I

Hello blogosphere,

Apologies for my long absence. I'm currently doing a Masters degree and apparently they require work or something. I don't know - it's certainly not the reason I signed up to artschool. You wouldn't have liked me anyway - I had dissertation hair.

At this present moment I am holed up in my grandparents' house in Ashford, Kent (home of L'Eurostar to Paris super-station-of-the-future and not much else). This would be by-the-by were it not for the fact that to get to Ashford from Norwich, you have to detour through London.

Oxford Street Topshop during London Fashion Week? Oh, I think I will.

I was especially keen to brave the sweaty scary flagship because the blogosphere has shown such interest in the Topshop diffusion ranges by Christopher Kane, Marios Schwab, Richard Nichol et al. I was determined to go in and actually physically try on their ranges - after all, http://www.topshop.com/ is all very well but it doesn't give you anything close the visceral pleasure (or not) of donning the gament. I took 46,000 pictures and all at horrible angles. These I present to you in the spirit of sartorial honesty.

NOTE: I am a Size 12-14 (that's a US 8-10) so all dresses are in that range. Additionally, though the online store is currently out of stock, the flagship is chock full of chiffony diffusion goodness, so don't worry about your particualr darling selling out. Everything'll be re-stocked online soon and don't let unscrupulous e-bay sellers tell you different.

Christopher Kane #1 (£120)

God, Christopher Kane, as if your A/W 08 collection wasn't aces enough, you have to go and make me look like a medieval sex wench of infinite power and leather-bodiced wisdom. I adored this dress for it's flattering cut at the waist, the acknowledgement that women have boobs and oh! sweet jesus-may! the swathes of material on the arms and hips. I felt so glorious that for a second I ready to star in one of those sexed-up historical novels. You know the ones you read secretly as a teenager? The ones with heroes called Thor and a bunch of cracks in the spine that designate the special passages?

"Take me, Thor," she husked

Christopher Kane #2 (£120)

Sarah Silverman's comedy, right, is ace. One of my favourite lines of hers goes something like: "I don't care if you think I'm racist, I just want you to think I'm thin." Same kind of deal here. You can judge me all you like for my stupid pouty model face (I swear to God, I can't control it - it moves over my features like a disease) I just want you to notice how slender this dress makes me appear. Again, I love the wench-y corsetry working against the denim of the bodice. The skirt is suitable whoosy and flowing and I adores the waistcoat detailing at the back. The Christopher Kane dresses both get an enthusiastic thumbs-up from the Wigmore. I wish I could have tried on the entire Kane range but there was no time - my sister was calling me up and getting pissy "When are you getting on the train? Are you still in Topshop?" and those changing rooms are so oppressively hot and the female hormones so palpably high that it felt like all the world like I was standing in post-menstral 'Nam. I wanted to acheive breadth, not so much depth so I moved on to the Jonathan Saunders collection.

Jonathan Saunders Dress (£75)

Now, initially this looks like a bosoms ahoy! dress and I am all for that kind of garment, especially ones with nice slim-cut arms. However, the jersey used is shockingly, indecently thin and the casual observer better be ready not only for my jelly but also eyefulls of undies and each individual buttock.

This dress is suitable only for the very skinny as it lovingly display every inch of excess flesh. It is also an ideal dress in which to show your public the exact nature of your arse crack. If you dare enlarge the picture below you'll be treated to the sight of my trmebling white heiney shining like a beacon through the fabric. Can you imagine what would show through in a flash photograph?

Sorry. Cripes. And sorry again. I decided not to try on any more Saunders dresses what with them being made of the same fabric and what with dignity being at a premium. I comfort myself that no at least the online shopper knows the nature of the beast and can proceed with caution. I really needed cheering up however, and so I looked to Peter Jensen, who's always good for a shot of whimsy.

Peter Jensen dress (£75)

It's amazing. Completely unflattering on my arse with all the ruffles but an absolute tonic to wear. I felt like a 1930s circus performer and I pranced and jiggled and had a lovely time. I thoroughly recommend wearing something unflattering if it makes you feel this good. Karl would disapprove but that Belgian's got issues with blubber up the yin-yang. Embrace it all, I say! Perform your juggling act! Jiggle away!

COMING NEXT POST:

Becky samples: Louise Goldin, Marios Schwab, Todd Lynn and Richard Nichols.

Prepare for neon and tailoring issues.

Love,

Becky.