Thursday, 20 March 2008

B&T meet Kate Moss in a darkened Topshop

Hello All!

Sorry for my long long absence. As Becky quite rightly stated in last weeks posts, what with my jobs and my thesis proposal, I am an extremely lazy Tor. However, on Wednesday I did find the time to meet the lovely Becky for a sandwich and a cup of tea, and a wander around Topshop.

For anyone who doesn't recieve overly enthusiastic 'Topshop style notes' in their inbox twice a week, the Kate Moss summer range was launched on Wednesday. Now Becky and I both describe Kate Moss's offerings for Topshop (often simultaneously) as Blah, with a capital B. However, as we were in the city sitting opposite Topshop, we decided to keep our minds open and (for the sake of you all) pop in and have a look.

Armed with Beckys super camera, which is approximately 10 times better than my own, we each took the 5 items we liked most into the changing rooms and tried them on. The results were less than impressive; in fact, there was nothing in the whole range I would wear if it was being given away (and free is my favourite price!) If you can bare to see the sad faces and bulging flesh then here they are:

I think my face says it all. As you can see, I couldn't fasten the zip around my bust; having said that, even if it had fastened, that would have been the least of my worries. The dress was made of 100% silk, so it felt really nice on my skin, but the fit was horribly unflattering. The oversized handkerchief skirt made me look wide and I felt unsexy and like I was wearing maternity-wear. Definitely not a good look. These next 2 items are the most scary an unflattering of them all; be prepared:
I am a pretty standard size 14, but both the jacket and the dress felt horribly, horribly tight. And my poor poor swished flattened boobs didn't know what to do with themselves:

Jacket (£65)

Flatter than two bulging lumpy pancakes. And to be honest, even if you jacket hadn't hated my upper body, I still wouldn't have worn it. The embroidery was uninteresting, and the pin-stripe didn't inspire me at all. And if the tightness of the jacket is making you wince, wait til you see the dress:

The '80s style Madonna-eque triangle boobs were definitely not made for me. However, I did like the stringy neckline, and again the material felt really nice (although in this case it looked really cheap) I can see this dress looking fabulous on someone tall and slender; Kate Moss maybe, but it definitely wasn't designed with curvier girls like me in mind.

Enough of this torment! I think its time to look at the only thing I tried on that I didn't actually mind (which is the only faintest of praise I have to give this collection):

The tiny star pattern is pretty, and the A-line shape is one that always looks good on me (even if I do say so myself!)
----END TOR----


I'm going to have to impinge a little on Tor's commentary and it's all my fault. Co-bloggers should have a seamless photo-passing system and unfortunately our system was derailed primarily because I was distracted making many cups of tea. Caffeine is my co-pilot!!! as the the bumper stickers say. With that in mind, here's a picture of my gal in one of the key pieces from the collection (at least the one in all the KM promotional ads) - the star shirt.

KM on the beach w/aforementioned shirt (£35)

My gal in the changing room, boxed out of her brains in the boxy box shirt showed previou

Seriously, what is up with the uber-square cut? If you have to shore up the sleeves, ditch your bra and undo all but one button to make a garment work then surely it misses the classification 'shirt' but some margin. But hey, 'Supermodel Endorses Scarf with Arms' is hardly a Grazia-worthy headline.

Gee, and do we really want the whole 'supermodel endorsed' look? I think the diminishing crowds ceasing their rioting outside Topshop have shown that we've realised as a collective that little vintage-esque frocks and skinny jeans with the KM logo don't exactly, y'know, spin you round the telephone booth and transform you into a paparazzi-ready megablonde bazillionaire. Telephone booths are in short supply these days. Good thing that Tor has the ability to wear the clothes and look just exactly like her fabulous self and not a bit Kate Klone. I'm also loving the optical illusion on her bosom. She is just the cutest pie.

Stripey Cardigan, (£40)

Now prepared to be near-blinded by the whiteness of my winter skin. As my own beloved says, I'm not the beautiful milky pale of the Irish but instead the sickly pale of one allergic to the sun. Either way, Vogue endorses my look, so he can suck it. Here I am, gleaming in the Scarf Neck Dress (£40)

It be cute, I guess but not £40 cute. It's £15 H&M cute. Plus, not only does it has the accursed racer-back but also a chronic case of BBT (bizarre buttock tailoring)

Flickr has taught me that there is quite the fetish base for VPL and Gentlemen Perverts, in this and subsequent photos, I think you'll find your needs catered for and amply.

Peacock Party Dress

Racer-back again, kiddos. Being an unexceptionally dull-witted young woman, I put the dress on back-to-front and I don't know about you, but I prefer it that way. I like my bling below my chin and wide crazy cut-outs for armholes.

Maybe you prefer the boob squidged dumpy 'right-way-round' version. That is your privilege.

Now onto the ubiquitous floral dainty-twee frock, this season represented by the Daisy Print Teadress (£60)

Not the greastest image ever but all I have to offer. It's not badly constructed, what with the side zip to facilitate a figure-hugging silhouette but my boyfriend took one look at the pic and gravely pronounced: "It looks like you're wearing a giant blue labia".

Then it was all I could see.

Still, I had more luck with the casual stuff. Say what you like about me, I know how to wear a cape. It is one of my chief talents.

Sequin cape (£80) & butt-ugly KM t-shirt (£20)

Seriously, why would you commission a t-shirt that makes you look like the album art for a cut price Guns & Roses tribute act?

Seriously y'all. Compare and contrast.

That said, as with all the KM casual wear, vests and tees alike, it is made of a nice soft cotton and is nicely cut to fit around curves. Still, for £20, you'd expect that, wouldn't you?

Hmm. So this collection is pretty much a dud, except for the fine discovery of a pretty star dress for Tor. I liked the cape and appreciate that all the sequins were hand attached. Have to say that we were hardly transported to "Ibiza, Miami, India and beyond" as the press release claimed. This so-called eclecticism was all very well-worn ground and in terms of the Kate Moss collections so far, was all much of a muchess: sequins, lurex, short shorts destined to make a permanent home all up in the crotch. At least the materials have improved.

Now the Topshop/Kate Moss design team need to acknowledge the breast and stop repeating their basic shapes/patterns and we'll be getting somewhere. My buttocks, however, haven't forgiven them for the first collection:

Wigmore, in the size 14 pant. 8.30am, 1st day of 1st Kate Moss collection. May 2007.
Good times.

Becky & Tor.


WendyB said...

Your expressions are priceless. I will challenge either one of you to a pale-off contest though. I'm confident I will win.

Anonymous said...

Just discovered your blog and you've brightened up my morning. My keyboard is less happy, having had coffee spluttered into it!

Imelda Matt said...

can we please go shopping together??? WB's right the expressions on both your faces are priceless. It's the vintage KM 4 TS picture that had me in stitches :)

Queen Michelle said...

I LOVE these critiques!

love aesthetics said...

love the striped cardigan and the peacock dress

bronwyn said...

It looks like you both had a lot of fun:)

Iheartfashion said...

This is so hilarious! Great review of the Kate Moss collection. Love the model poses!

topshopper said...

These are all nice clothes, they just look awful on you because they're clearly too small for you