Super-long Holiday Post

Hello readers/anyone who found us by mistake!

Well i'm back from my jollydays, and feeling self-indulgent. Whilst Becky spent her Easter break in 'Trashford' with her lovely mummy and took care of the blog (like it was a newborn fashion baby) I just spent a fabulous fortnight in Florida frolicking in the sun, meeting Mickey and Minnie Mouse, and spending my hard earned (ie lovingly issued by my parents) cash in the plethora of cheap as chips outlet malls.

In Disney World oversized head gear is all the rage- i'm one trendy chick!

Whenever i'm in America I come home with a Betsey Johnson handbag; I have a weakness for her quirky yet high-quality leather goods and I don' t care who knows it! Despite my hour in the Betsey Johnson store with bags draped all the way up my arms and trying on every single piece of jewellery, headwear and sunglasses (all at the same time) however, I didn't quite have the mullah to buy all of the precious things my heart desired, so on this trip I moved on to cheaper but equally fabulous fashion buys.

In much the same way that Becky has been forced to view/bored by my holiday snaps (oh look! another picture of cinderella's castle! Yawn) I have an overwhelming desire to infiltrate the blogosphere with snaps of all my glorious holiday purchases. And to make it even more exciting, i'll do it in a list; because organisation is fun, y'know!

1. Cream Patchwork leather purse. Fossil.

According to last weeks Grazia magazine (and who know's more about fashion then them, right?) patchwork is set to be this summers big 'thing' for handbags. Now , I thought patchwork was big last summer (and I have the 50 quid brown patchwork bag from Dorothy Perkins to proove it) but no matter: this oversized 100% leather purse with subtle white and cream patches and bronze studs has pockets big enough to carry a munchkins head (or, ya'know, my mobile) And that makes it A-OK with me.

Those Munchkinlanders won't bother the poor witch anymore!

2. Patent leather gladiator sandals. Wardrobe Seven.

There is nothing harder than trying to photograph your own feet!

Wardrobe Seven is an awesome shop in old town Kissamee (for which, sadly, I cannot find a website) It sells a wide range of faux vintage gear ranging from 50s style cats eye sunglasses to Teddyboy leather jackets and jeans. It also stocks pretty prom style and tea dresses and a shoe buffet: the more shoes you buy, the cheaper they are: and what's not to like about cheap shoes! I fell in love with these patent black gladiator sandals at first sight. The gold buckles made them seem glam in a slightly 'footballers wife' way that I loved but the triple ankle strap lent a harder tougher feel. I can't wait for the weather to pick up so I can show them off!!

3. BCBG Maxazara Shirt

Sensible sensible job interview shirt. Or at least, that's what I told myself to justify the 'this seems like a lot of cash for a white shirt' expense. I'm slightly obsessed with ruffles and have decided i wouldn't want a job with any one who didn't hire me in this shirt: they wouldn't have any fashion sense/eyes.

4. Gold Lame Tommy Hilfiger skirt

Me: "Mum, what do you think of my new skirt?"

Mum: "Erm, well you look happy in it."

Ahh, there's nothing better than buying clothes my mum/boyfriend don't like. My boyfriend has a theory that the way to buy me the perfect gift is to go into a shop and pick out the thing he thinks is ugliest. The funny thing is, he always buys the best gifts! Ok so the skirt is a little 'bold' and its probably not the most flattering material on my 'wider than the average' hips. But look how shiny it is! Ahhhhh, shiny........

5. Polka dot floo length dress. TJ Maxx

Underneath my pile of everyday clothes (tea dresses, sensible black tops, too many pairs of jeans) i have what I like to call my "what if" wardrobe. I have"what if i go on a cruise" clothes, and "what if vogue suddenly calls" oufits. Well this dress is my new "what if I decide to go to the grad ball" dress. It's more informal than the dress I wore for my lst grad ball, but I figured I didn't need to be so glam the second time around and this had an understated, almost I dont care cool. Plus I like polka dots and anything that makes me look slimmer than I actually am. Result.

So there you have it. My 5 favourite things that I brought back from my holiday. (6 if you include the tan that my sister says (and I quote) "doesn't make me look quite so dead") Oooh I also want to mention the Dior Couture ball gown I fell in love with: rrp $22,000. Dior outlet store price: $1,800. So cheap yet so far out of my budget. Still, at least I got to fondle it (until I was dragged by my family from the store) Oh, and whilst i'm feeling self indulgent, this is Fabfrocks 100th post. (albeit an incoherent jat lagged rambling one!) Go team us!

Peace, love, and mickey mouse,

Tor

Hero: Isabella Rossellini

Hello blogosphere,

I've been preparing this post for a little while because I wanted to do justice to my subject. Isabella Rossellini is beautiful, no duh. She's a wonderful actress with an eclectic career and she was a successful model with a famous Lancome contract and a bazillion Vogue covers to her name. This is not why I'm featuring her. No, Isabella Rossellini gets a whole post to herself not just because she's super stylish but because she is batshit crazy in the acest possible way.

Not in the diva way, unfortunately. This is an old Dolce and Gabbana campaign.

I am always on the lookout for obscure fashion-related literature so when Francine Prose alerted me to Rosellini's autobiography in her neato how-to book "Reading Like a Writer" (books about writing/reading are my porn), I cyber-schlepped over to Amazon Marketplace, paid a teeny £3 fee and lo! "Some of Me" appeared on my doormat two weeks later.

"Some of Me" as any person of substance will, know, is a play on Katherine Hepburn's autobiography "All of Me." It's so called because the author acknowledges, she ain't telling the truth for no-one:

It's a habit of mine to embellish and colour events until I lose sight of what really happened. Even when I was a child my grandmother had to say: "Verita o fantasia?" ---- "Truth or fantast?" If you want to eliminate my grandmother's kindness and to put it more bluntly, I lie. I always did.

Friends, this is the finest celebrity memoir I have ever encountered. Better then that one Groucho Marx tried to ban because he was old and drunk and bitched and libelled up the ying-yang. This book is chock full of glossy photos, famous ex-boyfriends, philosophy and batshit conversations she has with her dead father.

Even the glossy stuff of Rossellini as super-gorgeous model is undercut by humour and a sense of the macabre.

Caption: The first advert where I did not have to use the wax from the undertakers to fix my broken teeth.

Oh god, oh god, I love the beauty industry. And I love Isabella Rossellini even more. On reading in the New York Times about the pristine condition of Lenin's head as preserved by Doctor Sergei Lubov (the doctor was quoted: "If a pathologist looked at samples of skin from Lenin and a fresh corpse, he could not tell which is which, it is so well preserved."), Rossellini cut out the article and sent it Lancome with a note: "Doctor Debov may be of some use to us." But, she adds, I got no response.

Bitch has 28 Vogue covers to her name. 78% have surprised eyes.

And have we even talked about Martin Scorsese and David Lynch? She married Scorsese and dated Lynch for about 7 years. How would we even deal with that in our celebrity-obsessed culture? If it happened today, we'd be forced to refer to them by some awful amalgamation of their names. Scor-bella or Isnch or some shit.

Scorbella

Isnch

I really really have to do a "David Lynch Women" post - there's an insane amount of fashiony stuff to talk about in his films, his collaboration with Christian Louboutin and his latest adverts for Gucci perfumes. Still, this ain't his post, it's Isabella's and that bastard broke her heart. However, h did give her a couple of kick-ass roles in the meantime.

Dorothy in Blue Velvet - the film with "the severed ear in the heart of suburbia" as my A-Level film studies tutors were fond of saying INCESSANTLY

Perdita Durango in Wild At Heart

In addition to all of this eyebrow work, Lynch also gave Rossellini several pieces of his art. This one is my favourite - it's called "How to Assemble a Chicken"

I mean, don't you instinctively warm to a women who lovingly displays a rotted chicken carcass in her home? THAT'S frickin' style in my book.

However, among the many awesome attributes of "Some of Me,' one of the standout chapters concerns Isabella's obsession with insects' sex lives. Truly, I was edu-tained reading about spider masturbation, earthworm self-impregnation and snails that change gender.

"Don't think it was the frequent divorces, the homosexuality, the extra marital affais with the creation of half-brothers and sisters around the world all taking place within my family that forceme into being disrespectful of tradition and adopting unconventional attitudes. My pets helped a great deal. Once you've lived with dogs, cats, rabbits, birds, pig, you've seen it all.... Pets make you face the darkest, most hidden facts of nature. There have been sex crossings, species crossings, even sex with inanimate objects. Spanky, my pig, humped the living room furniture every night."

Isabella with Spanky and his canine companion.

This obsession this the sex lives of animals has taken a completely ace turn recently as Rossellini has just turned director and produced a number of shorts subtitled 'Green Porno' where she stars as a series of insects looking for love. The entire shorts aren't online but you can see an interview with clips here:

If this doesn't convince you that this woman is worthy of worship, then I don't know what to say to you. She dresses as a giant spider and simulates sex with a paper cut-out. What moe do you want? She's fearless, weird, cinema royalty* and she has a sensible haircut. A total out-and-out style hero.

Bug-out, friends,
Becky.


*if I have to tell you she's Ingrid Bergman's daughter, I'll cry.

Beauty = Pain = FACT

Hello blogosphere,

Well, I'm finally teething. I hopd it wouln't happen but my wisdom teeth are making a painful bid for daylight. Jeepers, when this happened to my friends, I assumed they were just wusses who couldn't handle pain in my manly fashion but it turns out that the whole shebang is a jaw-in-a-vice experience. Thankfully, I learnt something from my in-bed "America's Next Top Model" youtube marathon - modelling is basically making ouchy faces with fierce eyes. I know this because Tyra descended from the Judging Panel and told me so. You can pop on a red unitard and learn Tyra's lessons for yourself in this clip from the Dance Studio o' Ultimate Wisdom.


Ah! Ah! It hurts so good! And it's not just entertaining - it's science. See how easily I'm able to replicate the results from my very own bedroom:

You see? Sexxy incarnate despite raging gums. And everyone gets a glimpse of my Primark pyjama top. This is why Tyra is our queen.
(I made it b&w for extra klass.)

I can't wait until my herpes sores come through. I'm thinking Inez and Vinoodh or maybe Mert and Marcus will shoot the campaign. I want bling, a fisheye lens and a sparkle caravan. T'will be the fiercest thing you ever did see.

Speaking of the fiercest thing you ever did see, check out fellow fabulous blogger Imelda Matt, working it but hard on Australian TV - here - Kudos for mentioning crack pipes on morning TV, sir/ma'am!

Speaking of crack, I've got some "Make Me a Supermodel" to watch and some painkillers to binge. I'll try and be better and more updatey by tomorrow

Your pal,
Becky

Trial by Changing Room: Giles for New Look

Hello internet friends,

While Tor holidays in Dexter country (Florida, USA), I am visiting my grandparents in Ashford, Kent. Commonly known as 'Trashford' to discontented teenagers county-wide, I nevertheless view it with rose tinted contact lenses. For one thing, it's got its own tank.

That's WWI right there! In your stupid heritage face, Canterbury!

For another, it is in fair proximity to Bluewater, shopping mall o' American-like proportions and noted favourite of our nation's greatest export: Ms Victoria Beckham. Bluewater is home of every high-end high street shop, designer boutiques and is packed with hilarious mall art. For added value it looks like a space station of the semi-dystopian future.

I've never seen anyone over 30 in there. Just sayin' (10 points + cookies if you know what I'm talking about)

My point, and I do have one, is that Bluewater also houses the oft-dissed 'Gold' Giles Deacon for New Look collection, this year modelled by Agyness Deyn.

I've long been a fan of the Giles Deacon diffusion collection. There's a 1950s sauciness that runs through most of his New Look stuff that I rather enjoy. I also have a huge soft spot for New Look and its sparkly, shiny tickety-tack. I am in the biggest fattest minority on this subject but there it is. So when beloved mother and I pootled up to Bluewater (being a non-driver is tres glam, non?) I was excited to schlep it on upstairs to the changing rooms, ready to brave the sub-tropical temperature engendered by massed teen bodyheat for Sweet Lady Fashion!

Look 1 - Corset Zip Top that I May Have On Backwards

I'm going to charitably say that the hips this top gives me remind me of Jean Paul Gaultier's leather corsets for Hermes. I'm feeling exceptionally generous because I think cheap-looking domanatrixes should exhibit an amicable attitude to life. Still, look at my boobs, right? That's some mighty Marks & Spencer scaffolding at work there. Plus, if I'm always on a backwards angle, it makes me look thin. Life is so much sexier at 45 degrees, people. Grab a protractor and grab some ass, is what I say.

Look 2 - Line-y bondage dress

Y'see, one of the great points in New Look's favour is its democratic approach to sizing. Unlike the Kate Moss @ Topshop debacle, I'm not invited to look in the mirror and feel shame at my non-Mossian jellified, hair-spackled form. In this dress, as denoted by my High Klass modelling 'Rargh' face, I actually feel quite sexy.

Klassy Modelling Face No.34

Look 3 - Flagship Pink

Codename "Exception to the Rule". Even bloggers who hate the Gold colllection have a little crush on this dress. Sherberty pinks and tiny ruffles? Very punk princess. The moment I saw it, I knew it was going to make me look like a coked-up socialite, three months pregnant and in total denial. Which in itself is kind of ace.

Y'see? I love it, my belly loves it - everybody's happy. The little ruffles don't like curves so much and rise up to meet you like little puppy tongues. Fans of my near-constant knicker flashing will enjoy the back shot:

Yes indeed. File it under 'Size 10 or under'. Or embrace the belly and the drunken falling. It's a lifestyle choice thing.

This is my drunk and inconsolable paparazzi look.

Look 4 - White Jeans (Making Elizabeth Hurley Proud)

I have never partaken of this nautical/Notting Hill trend before. However, an endorsement from "The Cheap Date Guide to Style" ("weirdly flattering") and the fact I was feeling a little bit trash, led to the donning of white denim.

To be fair to La Hurley and Cheap Date, paired with my silk M&S tuxedo tunic they do elongate my legs a treat and gave me a different bum entirely. Check it:

However, and almost equally pleasingly, they're totally white-trash pant and buttock revealing with even the slightest bend groundwards. I felt gloriously Jerri Blank in those puppies.

If you're stil looking for the right 47 year old junkie crack-whore to worship as your God, may I humbly suggest
Jerri Blank.

Look 5 - Sequinned Green
Yes the corsage is playing on the wrong side of hideous but like all sequin-y dresses, it was kinda fun and squeezed me into a shiny earthworm shape.

I had fun. And for bonus, the sequins didn't threaten to serrate my Face/Off when I removed the dress.

Look 7 - Corset Top and Frilly Skirt

Okay, the dresses are all fine and good and more unflattering than not. This one, however - I love it. The skirt was all kinds of adorable: 100% Silk with lace inserts. Look how happy I am! I wiggled my bottom like a child.

More and more I began to feel like a slutty cheerleader from a 1987 teen movie. A really bitchy and periphiral one.




People bitch about New Look's trashy vest tops but this one was a soft cotton blend and very long. I enjoyed it way more than I had envisioned.

Go 1987! Woo! Yay! Etc!

If the Gods of Finance were on my side, I would have totally purchased this outfit. Verily, it put hustle in my bustle.

Please concentrate on my sultriness and not on the debris the teenagers before me left in the corner.

Accessories
Nautical Rope Heels
Bit of a cliche this season but I still enjoy the rope feature and giant golden buckle. I was also plesed that the heels didn't instantly cripple my high arches the way most high street shoes do. That said, if they weren't carrying the mild Giles Deacon-ish prestige, I doubt I'd enjoy them much at all - I'm not a fan of stitch embellishments and the heel isn't high enough (it's about 3 inches) to generate the nerdy 'fierce' factor.

Wow -- only one shoe. Wigmore & FabFrocks brings you nothing but the deepest class. You wouldn't believe the amount of black changing room filth I had to Photoshop off my feet.
Jesus wept.

Neon Flats

Bit grim, innit? There's nothing special about these flats except for the colour which, in person,
is bright enough to sting my mother's eyes. The clear PVC rim is a fine showcase for my sweat condensation but little else. Yeuch. Too grimey cheap even for my taste.

Wow. I'm at a loss, even with a heapin' bag of irony at my disposal.

If Giles was doing some kind of multi-accessory transparent Mr. T tribute thing then at least I could understand it. But no. It's just that key. That heavy plastic key. I don't know. I just don't know.

Woo. Not a note to end on. That's depressing on a Joss Whedon level. Let's cheer ourselves up with a bit of rip-off chic:

Whew. Neon green is such balm to the troubled soul. In conclusion, the collection is patchy and much less cohesive than the previous 2 efforts. Still, at heart I am a John Waters trash maven and so some pieces (the bitchy cheerleader ones) really did speak to me.

Speaking of which, if we fattened and ugg'd up Agyness, wouldn't she make the best John Waters character with that bleached hair, black eyebrows and cheap Giles getup?

Divine et al in Pink Flamingos




Cast of Cry Baby

Hey Deyn, eat some pies and call my people. We'll talk.

Love,
Becky.

B&T meet Kate Moss in a darkened Topshop

Hello All!

Sorry for my long long absence. As Becky quite rightly stated in last weeks posts, what with my jobs and my thesis proposal, I am an extremely lazy Tor. However, on Wednesday I did find the time to meet the lovely Becky for a sandwich and a cup of tea, and a wander around Topshop.

For anyone who doesn't recieve overly enthusiastic 'Topshop style notes' in their inbox twice a week, the Kate Moss summer range was launched on Wednesday. Now Becky and I both describe Kate Moss's offerings for Topshop (often simultaneously) as Blah, with a capital B. However, as we were in the city sitting opposite Topshop, we decided to keep our minds open and (for the sake of you all) pop in and have a look.

Armed with Beckys super camera, which is approximately 10 times better than my own, we each took the 5 items we liked most into the changing rooms and tried them on. The results were less than impressive; in fact, there was nothing in the whole range I would wear if it was being given away (and free is my favourite price!) If you can bare to see the sad faces and bulging flesh then here they are:

Scarf print dress (£75)

I think my face says it all. As you can see, I couldn't fasten the zip around my bust; having said that, even if it had fastened, that would have been the least of my worries. The dress was made of 100% silk, so it felt really nice on my skin, but the fit was horribly unflattering. The oversized handkerchief skirt made me look wide and I felt unsexy and like I was wearing maternity-wear. Definitely not a good look. These next 2 items are the most scary an unflattering of them all; be prepared:

I am a pretty standard size 14, but both the jacket and the dress felt horribly, horribly tight. And my poor poor swished flattened boobs didn't know what to do with themselves:

Jacket (£65)

Flatter than two bulging lumpy pancakes. And to be honest, even if you jacket hadn't hated my upper body, I still wouldn't have worn it. The embroidery was uninteresting, and the pin-stripe didn't inspire me at all. And if the tightness of the jacket is making you wince, wait til you see the dress:

Cocktail dress (£60)

The '80s style Madonna-eque triangle boobs were definitely not made for me. However, I did like the stringy neckline, and again the material felt really nice (although in this case it looked really cheap) I can see this dress looking fabulous on someone tall and slender; Kate Moss maybe, but it definitely wasn't designed with curvier girls like me in mind.

Enough of this torment! I think its time to look at the only thing I tried on that I didn't actually mind (which is the only faintest of praise I have to give this collection):

Star print dress (£60)

The tiny star pattern is pretty, and the A-line shape is one that always looks good on me (even if I do say so myself!)

----END TOR----

----COMMENCE BECKY----

I'm going to have to impinge a little on Tor's commentary and it's all my fault. Co-bloggers should have a seamless photo-passing system and unfortunately our system was derailed primarily because I was distracted making many cups of tea. Caffeine is my co-pilot!!! as the the bumper stickers say. With that in mind, here's a picture of my gal in one of the key pieces from the collection (at least the one in all the KM promotional ads) - the star shirt.

KM on the beach w/aforementioned shirt (£35)



My gal in the changing room, boxed out of her brains in the boxy box shirt showed previou

Seriously, what is up with the uber-square cut? If you have to shore up the sleeves, ditch your bra and undo all but one button to make a garment work then surely it misses the classification 'shirt' but some margin. But hey, 'Supermodel Endorses Scarf with Arms' is hardly a Grazia-worthy headline.

Gee, and do we really want the whole 'supermodel endorsed' look? I think the diminishing crowds ceasing their rioting outside Topshop have shown that we've realised as a collective that little vintage-esque frocks and skinny jeans with the KM logo don't exactly, y'know, spin you round the telephone booth and transform you into a paparazzi-ready megablonde bazillionaire. Telephone booths are in short supply these days. Good thing that Tor has the ability to wear the clothes and look just exactly like her fabulous self and not a bit Kate Klone. I'm also loving the optical illusion on her bosom. She is just the cutest pie.

Stripey Cardigan, (£40)

Now prepared to be near-blinded by the whiteness of my winter skin. As my own beloved says, I'm not the beautiful milky pale of the Irish but instead the sickly pale of one allergic to the sun. Either way, Vogue endorses my look, so he can suck it. Here I am, gleaming in the Scarf Neck Dress (£40)

It be cute, I guess but not £40 cute. It's £15 H&M cute. Plus, not only does it has the accursed racer-back but also a chronic case of BBT (bizarre buttock tailoring)

Flickr has taught me that there is quite the fetish base for VPL and Gentlemen Perverts, in this and subsequent photos, I think you'll find your needs catered for and amply.

Peacock Party Dress

Racer-back again, kiddos. Being an unexceptionally dull-witted young woman, I put the dress on back-to-front and I don't know about you, but I prefer it that way. I like my bling below my chin and wide crazy cut-outs for armholes.

Maybe you prefer the boob squidged dumpy 'right-way-round' version. That is your privilege.

Now onto the ubiquitous floral dainty-twee frock, this season represented by the Daisy Print Teadress (£60)

Not the greastest image ever but all I have to offer. It's not badly constructed, what with the side zip to facilitate a figure-hugging silhouette but my boyfriend took one look at the pic and gravely pronounced: "It looks like you're wearing a giant blue labia".

Then it was all I could see.

Still, I had more luck with the casual stuff. Say what you like about me, I know how to wear a cape. It is one of my chief talents.

Sequin cape (£80) & butt-ugly KM t-shirt (£20)

Seriously, why would you commission a t-shirt that makes you look like the album art for a cut price Guns & Roses tribute act?

Seriously y'all. Compare and contrast.

That said, as with all the KM casual wear, vests and tees alike, it is made of a nice soft cotton and is nicely cut to fit around curves. Still, for £20, you'd expect that, wouldn't you?

Hmm. So this collection is pretty much a dud, except for the fine discovery of a pretty star dress for Tor. I liked the cape and appreciate that all the sequins were hand attached. Have to say that we were hardly transported to "Ibiza, Miami, India and beyond" as the press release claimed. This so-called eclecticism was all very well-worn ground and in terms of the Kate Moss collections so far, was all much of a muchess: sequins, lurex, short shorts destined to make a permanent home all up in the crotch. At least the materials have improved.

Now the Topshop/Kate Moss design team need to acknowledge the breast and stop repeating their basic shapes/patterns and we'll be getting somewhere. My buttocks, however, haven't forgiven them for the first collection:

Wigmore, in the size 14 pant. 8.30am, 1st day of 1st Kate Moss collection. May 2007.
Oy.

Good times.

Love,
Becky & Tor.