Tuesday, 17 June 2008

Here come the Fashion Police....

........I always knew that there would come a time when the world would need fashion police. The very first time I saw a kappa jacket, I almost donned a trendy helmet and got to work on it myself! Well the organisers at Royal Ascot obviously saw their metaphorical Kappa Jacket at last years event, and have decided that this year will be different by enforcing a whole host of super-strict rules.

The first rule (which seems reasonable enough) is that ladies have to keep their knickers on. Who can argue with that? The Queen doesn't want to see your snatch (or at least I don't think she does...) Stewards in the Royal Enclosure will keep a closer than usual eye on ladies revealing bare bottoms should their skirts be lifted by a gust of wind... which seems like a pretty good job for any hetro male if you ask me!
Other rules determine that women have to wear formal day dress, with a hat or fascinator, while off-the-shoulder dresses, halter necks, spaghetti straps and mini skirts are all forbidden. They are even advising against the liberal application of fake tan (hallelujah!)
Men have to wear black or grey morning suits, including a waistcoat, along with a top hat.
Do these new rules make any sense? I'm just not sure that they do! But there's one way to find out: Let's examine exhibit A:

Now, believe it or not, the lady with the ashtray on her head would be allowed to attend the event. The lady in the quite pretty (but not to my taste) blue Grecian style dress and the peacock on her head wouldn't. Why? Because her dress is a halterneck. Goddamm her brazen bare shoulders! Hussy! I'm not sure I agree with the "this is the kind of shoulder strap you are allowed" facism. Some girls just don't look good in a thick strapped dress! In this case then, the rules seem a little archaic and not suitable for the fashion-conscious young lady. Lets move on to exhibit B:
And suddenly all doubt is erased from my mind! Now this, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason the new rules were put in place. Look at her in all of her glory (I know, almost all of it!) This isn't the time or the place for cheap cotton gingham. I know its warm and your British: it's been a long time since you've seen the sun and it got the better of you. But Ascot is a change to dress like Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady, not Julia Roberts at the beginning of Pretty Woman...although, of course, there is a time and a place for the Pretty Woman look (there must be!)

I love Ascot (although i've never been, maybe next year...) it's one of the few occassions left where you can be picked up by a chap in a morning suit and look truly over the top and fabulous without feeling self-concious, looking a bit silly, or spending a fortune (tickets are only £60) So although the spectacle has only just started, here are the dresses, and of course the fabulous hats, that I am busy drooling over today:


I demand a hat that looks like a jug of pimms! I've never needed anything more!



All this envy and its only the first day of the event! Imagine what i'll be like on Ladies day?! I just hope my head doesn't explode.......

Love Tor x

4 comments:

Susie Bubble said...

I'm seeing who has the tallest hat this year...

Imelda Matt said...

I wanna see the Queens snatch...oh wait...wrong site! what about removing one's shoes (common during Spring Carnival in these parts), is this allowed???

Imelda Matt said...

and B promised nip...if I can't git me some of that royal snatch, then I want some of nip!

WendyB said...

I want a hat that looks like a drink.